How To By: Uzumaki Naruto
by Lovely Spell
Summary: Naruto writes a seemingly steamy how to report. Iruka must defend the innocent ears in the classroom by making Naruto stop!


'Ello. Welcome. **I'm Lovely Spell**. So, no updates for Knightly Treats nor for Chibi Jutsu, but here is a good little story. I was talking to a friend the other night and umm the paragraph Naruto wrote was actually something I said to a friend. It was funny then. I can only hope it'll be funny now.

**Warning:** Clear your mind. Perverts. No warnings

**I do not own Naruto manga/series**, but when I do I'll make sure good things happen to Neji.

**Please Review.**

**Oh yeah I'm a beta reader. Check out my beta profile if you have a one or two shot. Details at the beta reader profile.**

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Iruka was thoroughly annoyed. He was practically stomping down the hallways and turning the corners at sharp angles to increase his speed. He needed to get back to his unsupervised students. It wasn't the first time he'd left them alone and by his previous experience leaving them to their own devices wasn't a smart thing to do.

Anko had called him out of class that day for the third time in one week. The first time he returned to find the students all huddled around Naruto while he told stories and acted his part as class clown. The second time he had left for a completely pointless reason he returned to find that half of his class was missing. They were later collected from Ichiraku's.

He had taken measures to prevent those things from happening again. This time he'd left Sasuke in charge of watching for distractions and making sure nobody left his classroom without permission. He left his students reading their how-to paragraphs which he had assigned as an observational skill practice. They were to describe in full detail their actions as they did a certain task. He'd asked them to keep their eyes open and make sure all instructions were listed and none skipped or forgotten. It would teach them that even the smallest details were essential during missions because he knew one of them was bound to forget or take a step for granted.

Iruka finally approached his classroom. He could see his door as it was the only one not shut completely. He could see about an inch of an opening. Iruka stopped before he could be seen and placed his head near the door. He couldn't hear laughter or yelling. In fact, Iruka couldn't hear anything, but Naruto's voice reading his assignment outloud.

Naruto's voice carried over the class. It must have been a good paper because the class looked transfixed. Iruka watched now as the students' eyes were glued to the front of the class. Sasuke, who should have been taking names, was staring openly with a light red blush dusting his neck and cheeks. As Iruka listened he realized that Naruto's voice, which hadn't broken yet, had a sensual sound about it.

He read slowly and deliberately. Iruka waited patiently for Naruto to start on the next paragraph since he'd missed the first one almost completely.

"First, I hold it in my hand. It is hard and firm. The heat of the day makes the outside warm to the touch. I then pull back the soft skin that gives easily under my fingers. After that I have to place it in my mouth. The inside is always soft and sweet to my tongue. I usually taste it before I bite down. It doesn't even make a noise as my teeth pierce the soft flesh. Even less when I place inch after inch into my mouth. I continue the process over and over again. I know that every touch of my lips is an ounce less of it's life. It never lasts very long. I know. I can feel the end is near. My hand is --"

Iruka's face felt hot. He forgot for a second that these were his students and that that voice was Naruto. When Iruka finally regained his thinking skills he realized Naruto might have mistaken the assignment. He hadn't really meant for them to choose anything they wanted! Iruka rushed into the classroom and cut Naruto off before he could describe the motions of his hand. Iruka tore the paper away from Naruto. He watched all the students snap out of their haze. Several boys crossed their legs awkwardly while the girls started giggling to themselves.

"Naruto--" Iruka didn't even know where to begin. Naruto looked up at him with bright blue eyes of innocence. Of course there was no innocence if Iruka had been listening correctly. "you can't read this in class." Iruka placed the paper on his desk face down and pointed at Naruto's seat. Iruka decided to grade the rest of the papers at home. He certainly wouldn't risk making the rest of his students read their assignments outloud.

The rest of the day went by quickly. The students were still talking amongst themselves and Iruka eventually ran out of chalk to throw at students' heads. He had resorted to yelling after the second disruption between the girls got out of hand. When he finally got them under control again the class started packing up. Then he realized the class was over. Before the room was completely empty Iruka asked Naruto to stay after class. The remaining students all eyed Naruto with amusement clear in their eyes. They walked out with brief good byes for Iruka and sometimes shy smiles for Naruto.

"Naruto about your paper--" Iruka laced his finger through his hair and eventually pulled out his rubber band. His hair fell in neat waves about his face and one strand dangled over his forehead.

"Sensei, I tried really really hard!" Naruto was pouting and had no idea what he had done wrong. He'd tried his best and actually did do his homework. Naruto silenced his calls when Iruka lifted his hand. He waited with one hand holding the other behind his back.

"I'm not sure the topic was--" Naruto watched Iruka with a pout still on his lips. Iruka looked away and fetched the paper. He flipped it over and scanned over the first title. '_How to Take a Shower by: Uzumaki Naruto'_

"Was what?" Naruto squinted and his eyebrows came close together as he turned his head sideways. His topics had been picked by Sakura-chan. He was sure she wouldn't trick him.

"Umm, it was--" Iruka felt heat rise to his cheeks and scar once again. He shook the hair out of his face and pushed some behind his ear. He'd fiddled with his rubber band so much while trying to make up his mind he'd snapped it. He folded the paper and placed it into his messenger bag with the rest of the assignments. "wonderful. I wanted to treat you to ramen." Iruka smiled softly at Naruto as he stood.

Naruto beamed and started jumping up and down. "Ne, ne Iruka-sensei can I get pork miso?" Iruka nodded and threw his bag over his head onto his shoulder. He ran his hand through Naruto's hair and messed it around until it was even more of a disaster than usual.

The walk was slow and refreshing. The wind was blowing lightly and the sky was already purple edging onto a dark violet blue. The trees rustled and the lanterns all around the village started to light. Ichiraku's was open for dinner and they would get there just in time to beat the late rush. Iruka took a seat next to Naruto and after his second bowl and Naruto's fifth he chuckled to himself. He closed his eyes and pictured the title on the second paragraph. _'How to Eat a Banana by: Uzumaki Naruto'_

"Oi sensei!" Naruto had been calling him for some time. His teacher was really weird. Naruto then decided it was okay to take Iruka's bowl. He wasn't eating it anyways. Naruto pulled the bowl towards him while Iruka continued to laugh with his eyes closed and hair still blowing with the wind.

--

**Sing this to the conga song: Dirty, dirty Sensei! Dirty, dirty Sensei! Dirty, dirty Sensei! Dirty, dirty Sensei!**


End file.
